My whole life had fallen to pieces. I was broken. My body, mind, and spirit: all broken. My family, my marriage, my home: all broken. They were like pieces of broken glass scattered on the floor of life.
I used to be fearless, just plowing through life, doing what I had to do, not worrying about why things happened, just solving problems as they came, enjoying life and not worrying about it. And the abundance of energy and motivation that I had was phenomenal.
Now, all I do is worry and I feel like I can’t stop it. I am seven years older, but I feel like I’ve aged twenty years. My body feels like that of a ninety year old. I have aches and pains all over. I suffer with restless leg syndrome every night, I get less than four hours sleep per night, and I can’t stop worrying about the future. I used to color my hair for fun, now I have to do it to cover all the grey. My hair has thinned greatly from the stress. It is extremely difficult to lose weight, even though there are many foods that I simply cannot eat. I can’t drink coffee or eat chocolate. I know these things are bad, but everything in moderation. My ankle throbs when I’m on it for too long, I have sciatica, and I’m nauseous from the pain. I suffer from painful periods, migraines, and I am chronically depressed. And I don’t know why I can’t rise above it all. I used to be able to do that. I was so resilient. When something got me down, it would really get me down, but I always got back up, but this time, I just can’t seem to get back up. I can’t seem to “get my second wind.”
When my son and I came back from our trip, the rest of the fall and winter were absolutely unbearable. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare, rewinding to that pivotal moment of absolute despair, just months prior.
It wasn’t until Christmas that things started to change for the better. Tough decisions were made regarding all our lives. We almost didn’t make it. But, somewhere along the line, something gave.
Around April the lawyer’s office called and said that the insurance company had made an offer, but it would never be enough to cover what I had lost, or even cover a few years of physiotherapy. He advised me to refuse the offer, which I did.
Then I had to go to all these assessments, again, so that the lawyer for the insurance company could have an up-to-date report of my current condition. It was hell. I threw up the morning of the first one. All those buried memories just, all at once, came stampeding to the surface.
I attended five assessments in six weeks.
I just want to forget, but I’m like a fish in a fishbowl going over the same gravel, like that old Pink Floyd song. I’m tired. I have never been so tired in all my life.
September 2013 - May 2014